(Things I’d like to go back and tell my newly married self.)

Once upon a blog post, I wrote a letter to my 14 year old self. You can read that post here, if you wish, but basically it was just me writing down some things I wished I had known as a 14-year-old, and thought maybe it could encourage other young girls when they’re going through rough times.

Somehow that post ended up in the hands of my friend Sheila Petre, and she published it in her magazine for teen girls. Then she blessed me by mailing me the letters she received from girls who had needed just such an encouragement, that they were not alone, and that they could get through their struggles, with the help of Jesus.

I think I was 27 or 28 when I wrote that. Now I’m 33, and Cory and I are approaching our twelfth anniversary. Looking back over TWELVE WHOLE YEARS, (where did they go?) I thought it’d be fun to write a similar letter to my newly married self. So here goes:

Dear Newly Married Self,

Ah, you’re finally here! No longer girlfriend, or fiancé, but his wife. I know you’re so excited to be starting this new life, and you should be. This is the biggest adventure you’ve ever embarked on. Buckle up, because there will be some twists.

First, let’s address all the negativity, rumors and general mistrust that you occasionally hear about, in the community. “Can anything good come out of Nazareth The Church of the Brethren?” they wonder… Is he just “doing the Mennonite thing” to find a girl who will then “run off and leave” with him?

(These comments sting you more than they do him. He knows who he is in Christ, and doesn’t much care if other people see him in a positive or negative light.)

I know you would believe in him, even if nobody else did, but let me reassure you that he will still be “doing the Mennonite thing” twelve years later.

Much more importantly, he’ll still be doing “the Christian thing.” He will grow more and more like Jesus, the older he gets. Some days you will struggle to have patience, because he makes decisions very methodically. He will patiently wait for God to confirm his/your big decisions/plans, and sometimes God will really take His time in getting back to him on his inquiries. There will be decisions that take months, and decisions that take years. But once God gives a green or red light, that’s it. Full speed ahead, or U-turn.

You (who tend to run ahead on your own steam,) you need this balance. God, who specializes in undeserved gifts, knew what you needed before you even asked. He provided someone who would love you, encourage you, laugh with you, and balance out all your idiosyncrasies…Someone complete with a few idiosyncrasies of his own that needed balancing out. 🙂

Are you finding out that he’s human yet? Is HE realizing that YOU are? This is bound to happen sooner or later; and for you two it will happen sooner. Living in a house with someone is an excellent way to discover their humanity. Especially if you’re basically from two different worlds. But it’s also a great way to learn and grow; truly, the old people are not off their rocker (see what I did there?) when they say it keeps getting better with time.

You’re going to have some big adjustments, and at first, you’re going to misunderstand one other often, but then after a few years you’re going to get invited to hear a man speak, and he’s going to explain why men and women misunderstand one another. These teachings are going to change your whole life. I’m not saying your life will be perfect, but it will make a lot more sense, and you’ll have solutions to resolve and reduce misunderstandings.

On the good days, which is most days, you look at him and think God never made a more wonderful human. But wait until you see him with a baby. Watching him be a Papa for the first time, you will think that your heart couldn’t possibly be any more full. But it can.

You see, I have some information that you can’t know at your stage. I can tell you that you’re going to have at least 5 of the 6 little ones you’ve always said you want. (And the cliches are overused for a reason. They really do grow up too fast.)

You’re not going to believe this part. You know how your new husband rarely, if ever, sheds a tear? In 2024, he will be crying at weddings because his babies are growing up too fast, and he’s going to miss them.

You’re 21, and I know, you think 30 sounds awfully mature, and probably a little boring. So I guess you’ll be relieved to discover that at 33 years old, you really won’t feel any older. But somehow the 21-year-olds keep getting younger. 😅 They’ll be getting married, and having babies, and YOU CAN REMEMBER WHEN THEY WERE BORN.

When you’re 33, you’re going to look at each other during a wedding (of 21-22 year olds) and say: “I get it now. We really were just two kids getting married.” You don’t see it now though, and that’s ok. ( by the way, your 33-year-old self would still recommend marrying while you’re young. Wouldn’t change a thing.)

In spite of not feeling old, you both are going to get a healthy sprinkling of gray hair when you hit your thirties, and you both will pick up a few pounds here and there. But you’re also going to grow quite a bit in maturity, and that’s a decent trade off, I guess. You won’t look back and long for these early days of marriage. The “right now” will just always feel right, and you will feel at peace, knowing God has led and will continue to lead if you seek Him.

You will continue to be amazed by the honesty, the strength, the faith, of your man. Satan hates a marriage of two people who love one another, so he will fling his darts from time to time. People will question your relationship and even try to undermine it, but girl, you married one solid rock of a man. His steady, faithful walk with God is undeniable, and God will bring you through the tough times together. But don’t let anyone tell you the tough times won’t come.

Surround yourself with good examples of loving couples, but not fake ones. If a couple tells you they don’t have struggles/disagreements, go find friends who tell the truth. 😅

You live on Earth, not Eden; there are no perfect earthly relationships. If our earthly relationships could fill all our needs, we wouldn’t need Jesus. You’re going to struggle. The important part is that your struggles bring you closer together instead of further apart.

Prepare yourself to share him with others. He’s first God’s man, then your man. A side effect of him walking closely with God, is that he has a huge heart for others. People, from friends to almost strangers, will sense that he is safe to confide in, and some days his phone is so busy, that you won’t get to talk to him much.

You will joke that he should charge for his counseling services, but you will actually be proud of him, and grateful that he is the kind of man who is so generous with his time and mental energy.

You’re going to be there for each other through some pretty tough circumstances; money will be tight at first, but it will always be enough. You’re going to have good days, grumpy- stressed out days, and days that are so hard you wonder if this was actually a good idea.

But then you’re going to remember that it wasn’t your idea. It was God’s idea, and He only has good ones. So you are going to pick up and carry on, even if you don’t really feel like it, and it’s going to be worth it, because love is worth fighting for. Every single time.

I’m not going to tell you all the twists life is going to take. You might be anxious if you knew. You might actually get scared and want to hop off the ride. But it’s all going to be ok. You’re going to get to see Gods hand at work in your life, in so many ways. He’s going to be with you, guiding you through one twist at a time. Hang on for the ride. It’s a wonderful one, and each trial you go through together will make you stronger, and cause you to grow closer to God and one another.

Look in the mirror. You really are a couple of kids. You’re so young, and idealistic, and full of optimism now. Keep that, and you’ll still be in love in 12 years.

Just a few more things you should know:

•He’s going to get over his shyness about people hearing him sing, and in a few years he’s going to be going to every singing he can find to go to. Yes, his beloved Harmonia Sacra, especially, but not exclusively. He will sit in his recliner at night and read song books like a little old man reads the newspaper. And you’re going to think it’s adorable.

•’On the singing note, he’s still going to make up songs/parodies about stuff that’s happening in his/your life and they’re still hilarious.

•He might not always notice when you wear a new dress, but he’s going to say “you’re pretty” at the most random times, like when you’re covered in mud, or hay dust and sweat.

•He’s going to brag about your cooking to his friends, and invite them over to partake, (so keep your dishes washed up.)

•He turns out to be a pretty good cook himself. Not a lot of different things, but what he does make, he will develop to perfection. His pasta Alfredo is delicious, and his chocolate chip cookies are unbeatable.

•He’s never going to think you’re very funny. Every once in a while you will crack him up, but mostly you’re going to have to settle for cracking yourself up. But he’s going to cry over your poetry, and carry it around in his pocket.

•He’s never going to be a big birthdays and holidays kind of guy, (but his gifts are well thought out, usually a little extravagant, and randomly given throughout the year. When he walks in with something he bought for you, you know he was thinking of you that day- not just buying something because he’s “supposed to.” Eventually you will appreciate this and find the gifts even more meaningful.)

•Life’s not perfect, and your marriage isn’t going to be perfect, but you’re perfect for each other and you complement one another well. This will get you quite happily through the first 12 years. After that remains to be seen. But I have high hopes that it will continue to grow sweeter as you journey on together.

•He’s going to be the kind of provider that makes it easy for you to be content.

•The kind of love he shows will make him easy to respect.

•The kind of leader he is, will make it easy for you to follow him.

•I don’t have to tell you that he’s easy to love. You’re already head over heels. What I will tell you is that he’s still just that easy to love in 12 years, (and in many ways even more so, if you can fathom that.)

Remember the Sunday morning not too long ago when the song leader chose a song called “God Has Led,” and you both immediately knew this needed to be one of your wedding songs? Well, 12 years down the road, that song will still be special to you. I’m not good at wrapping things up, so I’ll just leave the lyrics here, in closing.

“God has led us all along, Now our hearts burst forth in song!

For the wisdom He supplies, And with joy He satisfies.

In His love we now will rest, in His presence we are blessed.

Strength we draw from Him each day, As we travel on life’s way,

In the past, He’s proved to be, leading us so faithfully.

In His love we now will rest, in His presence we are blessed.

Peace and joy we find today, for we know He leads the way.

Never fearing what may come, confident He’ll guide us home,

There in love securely rest, In His presence ever blessed.